FoX-Ray [FXR]

Darkray hat geschrieben:Wer noch glaubt das Lehrer lehren glaubt auch, dass Zitronenfalter Zitronen falten


---ohne Worte---

Ohoo, ein geflügeltes Wort. Sehr schön. Gleich auf die Merkliste. Mein Nachbar und Freund ist nämlich Lehrer, grins

Hab heut diese e-mail bekommen......

JA JA DIE DEUTSCHEN

Für das interkulturelle Training!


Ein Deutscher und ein Tiroler gehen campen, bauen ihr Zelt auf und schlafen
ein.

Einige Stunden später weckt der Tiroler den Deutschen auf.
"Schau in den Himmel und sag ma was du sigsch!"
Der Deutsche sagt: "Ich sehe Millionen von Sternen."
Der Tiroler sagt: "Was denksch iatz?"

Der Deutsche überlegt eine Minute. "Astronomisch gesehen, sagt es mir, dass
da Millionen von Galaxien und Billionen von potienziellen Planeten sind.
Astrologisch sagt es mir, dass der Saturn im Löwen steht.
Zeitmäßig gesehen sagt es mir, dass es ungefähr 3.15 Uhr ist.
Theologisch sagt es mir, es ist offensichtlich, dass der Herr allmächtig
ist und wir alle klein und unbedeutend sind.
Meteorologisch scheint es so, als hätten wir morgen einen wunderschönen
Tag. Was sagt es dir?"

Der Tiroler ist für einen Moment still und sagt: "Praktisch gsehen sogts
ma, dass oana unser Zelt gstoin hot."

rofl

Muhahah =)

Tjo, praktisch denken ist ne seltene Gabe^^ samma froh, dass "es heilige Land" in Österreich liegt

es gibt in der Taverne (Im FoX-Ray-Teil des Forums) einen Thread namens "grins"... kA wieso, aber Kordo hat den mal als Kontrastprogramm zu diesem hier eröffnet^^ da ich kA hab, ob man Threads vereinigen kann, übertrag ich jetzt mal die 'Highlights' aus dem andern Thread in diesen, damit mal wieder alles beisammen ist:



Wie oft wird von uns verlangt, daß wir mehr als nur 100% Leistung bringen müssen, um unsern Arbeitsplatz zu sichern oder weiterzukommen...

Die Mathematik und die englische Umgangssprache hilft uns in diesem Fall weiter, das Ziel 100% zu erreichen oder sogar wie gewünscht zu überschreiten!


Wenn man das Alphabet:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
durch Zahlen ersetzt:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

dann erreicht man mit:
H A R D W O R K (= Harte Arbeit)
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E (= Kenntnis)
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

aber mit:
A T T I T U D E (= Einstellung, Geisteshaltung)
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%
erreicht man schon das Ziel (egal welche Einstellung man an den Tag legt ...).

und mit :
B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%
erreichen wir die von uns geforderte "Mehrleistung"

Fazit: Kenntnis und fleißiges Arbeiten, bringen Dich nur in die Nähe des Ziels von 100% aber mit richtigem Mist erreichst du das Maximum.



Und nun noch eine kleine aber wichtige Anmerkung, wenn Du noch mehr erreichen willst, hier der absolute "Geheimtipp" :

A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%


Merkst Du etwas, nur mit letzterem erreichst Du das Ergebnis, das deine Vorgesetzten und die Firma eigentlich von dir erwarten... Weiterhin frohes Schaffen und nun weißt Du auch wie du die in Dich gesetzten Erwartungen locker erfüllen kannst, dein Arbeitsplatz ist gesichert und dem Erfolg in deiner Firma sind fast keine Grenzen mehr gesetzt.


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http://www.bildschirmarbeiter.com/index ... tion=maoam
(interessant ist, dass die Haribo-Mitarbeiterin von "positiver Kritik" schreibt^^)


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hab grad den Sloganizer (http://www.sloganizer.de/) im allyforum entdeckt *g* da gibt's einige coole sprüche damit (disclaimer: die verwendete person bzw. das verwendete adjektiv/verb sind rein willkürlich gewählt und sollen nicht zwingend in einem selbstverständlichen zusammenhang gesehen werden - wer das aber trotzdem tun will, ich werd ihn nicht dran hindern )

Person: Kordobas
Adjektiv: seltsam
Verb: meistern

Kordobas - niemand meistert seltsamer und auch nicht langsamer.
Unverzichtbar für Weltbürger - meistern mit Kordobas!
Der seltsame Angeber verdient Kordobas. Und Du?
Kordobas, mit dem seltsamen Hauch der Verruchtheit.
Kordobas - das seltsamste Ansinnen, das man sich vorstellen kann.
Meistern mit Kordobas - seltsam werden mit Vergnügen.
Seltsam und doch langsam?! Kordobas - in allen Lagen.
Kordobas - meistern!? Nur jammern ist seltsamer.
Seltsam bleibt seltsam: Kordobas!
Kordobas - die erfolgreichste Inkarnation von seltsam!
Kordobas - nicht einer meistert seltsamer sei es denn grausamer.

Ich seh schon... sobald ich den Job des Meisters wieder an Kordo abtrete, kann ich mir nen neuen Char ausdenken - und dann noch einen, und noch einen, und noch...


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4 gute links zu DAoC:

http://www.naught.dk/biggie.html
http://www.naught.dk/biggie_2.html
http://www.naught.dk/biggie_3.html
http://www.naught.dk/biggie_4.html


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Kordobas hat geschrieben:Gegen Magier? Schwert in Kopp..... Metall behindert zaubern



Die gute alte zwergische Antimagie.


Dies ist in der Tat ein alter und sehr mächtiger Zauber:


Name: Lebenslicht verlösche

Wortkomponente: "Verrecke du Sau!"

Reagenzien: ein paar Pfund Waffenstahl

Geste: Einführen des Waffenstahls in den Kopf des Gegners

Zauberwirkung: sofortiger Tod des Gegners

Dauer: 1 Aktion

Reichweite: je nach Form des benutzten Waffenstahls zwischen DK H und P

Kosten: keine bis auf das Material und etwas Glück

Rules For Flight

There is a lot pilots have to take into account when hulling your ass across the sky...

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.

12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.

15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment

21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law.

24. The four most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, gas back at the airport, and a tenth of a second ago.

25. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots.

Having a rough day?

Just in case you've had a rough day, here's a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts.

The funny thing is that it really works.

1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one but you knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world,".
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.
8. See, you're smiling already.

Mal eine Liste an belanglosen Fakten... 4 oder 5 Sachen kommen doppelt vor, und 1-2 sind für die deutsche Sprache nicht gültig, aber dennoch ist's ne tolle Sammlung an unnützem Wissen^^


Just A Few Useless Things You Probably Didn't Know

1. Hitler and Napoleon both had only one testicle.

2. In America you will see an average of 500 advertisements a day.

3. It's illegal in Newcastle, WY to have sex in a butcher shop's meat freezer.

4. In ancient Rome, when a man testified in court he would swear on his testicles.

5. Jaguars are frightened by dogs.

6. Holland has the densest population per square mile of any nation in the world.

7. In Alaska it is illegal to whisper in someone's ear while they are moose hunting.

8. It takes about 48 hours for your body to completely digest the food from one meal.

9. It's against the law in Willowdale, Oregon, for a husband to curse during sex.

10. Honey is the only food that doesn't spoil.

11. Human tapeworms can grow up to 22.9m.

12. It's been estimated that one out of every two hundred women is born with an extra nipple.

13. In Atlanta, GA, it is illegal to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp.

14. Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa.

15. It takes 17 muscles to smile and 43 to frown.

16. In Britain, failed suicides were hanged in the 19th century.

17. If a child burps during a church service in Omaha, Nebraska his or her parents may be arrested.

18. It takes a lobster approximately seven years to grow to be one pound.

19. In a lifetime the average US resident eats more than 50 tons of food and drinks more than 13,000 gallons of liquid.

20. In California, animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.

21. Hamsters blink one eye at a time.

22. If a person has two thirds of their liver removed through trauma or surgery, it will grow back to the original size in four weeks time.

23. Human thigh bones are stronger than concrete.

24. In Arkansas it is illegal to buy or sell blue lightbulbs.

25. If Barbie were life-size her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet two inches tall and have a neck twice the length of a normal humans neck.

26. Hondas and Toyotas are the most frequently stolen passenger cars because they have parts that can be readily exchanged between model years without a problem.

27. In 1386, a pig was executed by public hanging for the murder of a child.

28. Humans are the only animals that use a smile as an emotional response.

29. When a small amount of liquor were placed on a scorpion, it would instantly go mad and sting itself to death.

30. Homosexuality remained on the American Psychiatric Association's list of mental illnesses until 1973.

31. You spend about 3 years of your life in the toilet.

32. Every day, the average person swallows about a quart of snot.

33. The slowest growing finger nail is on the thumb nail and the fastest growing is the finger nail on the middle finger.

34. Scientists say that babies that are breastfed are more likely to be slimmer as adults than those that are not breastfed.

35. There are more chickens in the world than people.

36. Pinocchio was made of pine.

37. One out of 20 people have an extra rib.

38. Manicuring the nails has been done by people for more than 4,000 years.

39. A broken clock is right at least twice a day.

40. People whose mouth has a narrow roof are more likely to snore. This is because they have less oxygen going through their nose.

41. A vulture will never attack a human or animal that is moving.

42. About 75% of the people in the U.S. live on 2% land.

43. According to a recent survey, more Americans lose their virginity in June than any other month.

44. Adult Northwestern American Grizzly Bears can bite through steel as thick as one half inch.

45. After spending hours working at a computer display, look at a blank piece of white paper. It will probably appear pink.

46. All polar bears are left-handed.

47. Almonds are the oldest, most widely cultivated and extensively used nuts in the world.

48. Al Capone's business card said he was a furniture dealer.

49. Americans are responsible for about 1/5 of the world's garbage annually. On average, that's 3 pounds a day per person.

50. An ant's sense of smell is as good as a Dog's.

51. Abe Lincoln's mother died when the family dairy cow ate poisonous mushrooms and Ms. Lincoln drank the milk.

52. According to Playboy, more women talk dirty during sex than men.

53. Americans drink over a billion pounds of coffee every year and around five million bottles of soda.

54. After they are roasted, and when the coffee beans begin to cool, they release about 700 chemical substances that make up the vaporizing aromas.

55. Americans, on average, eat 18 acres of pizza in one day.

56. An eagle can kill a young deer and fly away with it.

57. An elephant's trunk contains more than 50,000 muscles.

58. An eyelash lives about 5 months.

59. Ancient Egyptians shaved off their eyebrows to mourn the death of their cats.

60. According to Hammurabi's Code, the penalty for medical malpractice was to cut off the doctor's hands.

61. An Octopus has 3 hearts!

62. According to Playboy, more women talk dirty during sex than men.

63. A whale's penis is called a dork.

64. An ear of corn always has an even number of rows because of the genetic formula which divides the cells.

65. Americans eat more bananas than any other fruit: a total of 11 billion a year.

66. A 1,200-pound horse eats about seven times it's own weight each year.

67. A bean has more DNA per cell than a human cell.

68. A Blue Earth, Minnesota, law declares that no child under the age of twelve may talk over the telephone unless monitored by a parent.

69. A shark can detect one part of blood in 100 million parts of water.

70. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.

71. A cat has 4 rows of whiskers and they're used to determine if a space is too small to squeeze through.

72. A Chicago law forbids eating in a place that is on fire.

73. A fetus acquires fingerprints at the age of three months.

74. A fingernail or toenail takes about 6 months to grow from base to tip.

75. A full moon is nine times brighter than a half moon.

76. A full-grown pumpkin has about 15 miles of roots.

77. A person will die from total lack of sleep sooner than from starvation. Death will occur about 10 days without sleep, while starvation takes a few weeks.

78. A group of crows is called a murder.

79. A healthy individual releases 3.5 oz. of gas in a single flatulent emission (a fart), or about 17 oz. in a day.

80. A hippo can open its mouth wide enough to fit a 4 foot tall child inside.

81. A honeybee can fly at fifteen miles per hour.

82. A human head remains conscious for about 15 to 20 seconds after it is been decapitated.

83. A jumbo jet uses 4,000 gallons of fuel to take off.

84. A man and woman in Mexico city were engaged for 67 yrs and finally married at the age of 82 yrs.

85. A man named Charles Osborne had the hiccups for 69 years.

86. A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend, Indiana.

87. A person uses approximately fifty-seven sheets of toilet paper each day.

88. A pig is the only animal than can get sunburned.

89. A pound of grasshoppers is three times as nutritious as a pound of beef.

90. A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her coffee.

91. A scientist who weighed people immediately before and after death concluded that the human soul weighs 21 gms.

92. A snail can travel over a razor blade without cutting itself.

93. A study of pet owners found that 66% claimed they allowed their pets to remain in the bedroom during intercourse.

94. A typical bed usually houses over 6 billion dust mites.

95. China has close to 25% of the world's population.

96. Christmas became a national holiday in the US in 1890.

97. Cows sweat through their noses.

98. Deer sleep only 5 minutes a day.

99. Despite a population of well over one billion people, there are only an estimated 250 million televisions in use in China.

100. Dogs can't decipher size. That's why little dogs are mean.

101. Cleveland law forbids you to operate a motor vehicle while sitting in another person's lap.

102. Dave Matthews relocated to the United States to avoid service in the South African Military.

103. Don't even think about having sex while in a moving ambulance in Tremonton, Utah as it is extremely illegal. Of course, a stationary ambulance is another story.

104. Dentists have recommended that toothbrushes be kept at least six feet from toilets to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

105. Dolphins can look in different directions with each eye. They can sleep with one eye open.

106. Cockroaches break wind every 15 minutes.

107. Coffee was first known in Europe as Arabian Wine.

108. Did you know that 85.7% of statistics are made up?

109. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

110. During pregnancy, the average woman's uterus expands up to five hundred times its normal size.

111. China was the first country to use paper money.

112. During the average human life, you will consume 70 assorted bugs as well as 10 spiders as you sleep.

113. Did you know that crocodiles never outgrow the pool in which they live?

114. Death Valley, California, has a point that is 280 feet below sea level.

115. California has issued at least 6 drivers licenses to people named Jesus Christ.

116. Kangaroos can not walk backwards.

117. 'Jedi' is an official religion, with over 70,000 followers, in Australia.

118. According to a recent survey, more than half of British adults have had sex in a public place!

119. Most alcoholic beverages contain all 13 minerals necessary to sustain human life.

120. Nachos is the food most craved by pregnant women.

121. Each year, 24,000 Americans are bitten by rats!

122. Most dreams last only 5 to 20 minutes.

123. The hair of an adult man or woman can stretch 25 percent of its length without breaking.

124. On average, the life span of an American dollar bill is eighteen months.

125. Non-dairy creamer is flammable.

126. The first domain name ever registered was Symbolics.com.

127. Americans collectively eat one hundred pounds of chocolate every second.

128. U.S. President Calvin Coolidge liked to eat breakfast while having his head rubbed with Vaseline.

129. When a giraffe's baby is born it falls from a height of six feet, normally without being hurt.

130. Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

131. The creator of the NIKE Swoosh symbol was paid only $35 for the design.

132. How does a shark find fish? It can hear their hearts beating.

133. Penguins can convert salt water into fresh water.

134. In ten minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world's nuclear weapons combined!

135. The IRS employees tax manual has instructions for collecting taxes after a nuclear war.

136. During WWII, because a lot of players were called to duty, the Pittsburgh Steelers and Philadelphia Eagles combined to become The Steagles.

137. Nearly 22,000 checks will be deducted from the wrong account over the next hour.

138. More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.

139. There are more fatal car accidents in July than any other month.

140. There are more bacteria in your mouth than there are people in the world.

141. More than 2 million documents will be lost by the IRS this year.

142. Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.

143. Washington, D.C. has one lawyer for every 19 residents!

144. Avocados have more protein than any other fruit.

145. The average car produces a pound of pollution every 25 miles!

146. Cranberries are sorted for ripeness by bouncing them; a fully ripened cranberry can be dribbled like a basketball.

147. In 1980, a Las Vegas hospital suspended workers for betting on when patients would die!

148. The most powerful electric eel is found in the rivers of Brazil, Columbia, Venezuela, and Peru, and produces a shock of 400-650 volts.

149. If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

150. Antarctica is the only land on our planet that is not owned by any country.

151. In India, people are legally allowed to marry a dog!

152. You are more likely to get attacked by a cow than a shark.

153. Half of all identity thieves are either relatives, friends, or neighbors of their victims.

154. One in three male motorists picks their nose while driving.

155. A zebra is white with black stripes.

156. All the planets in our solar system rotate anticlockwise, except Venus. It is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

157. Hummingbirds are the only animal that can also fly backwards.

158. Insects do not make noises with their voices. The noise of bees, mosquitoes and other buzzing insects is caused by rapidly moving their wings.

159. The cockroach is the fastest animal on 6 legs covering a meter a second.

160. The word "listen" contains the same letters as the word "silent".

161. The only 2 animals that can see behind itself without turning it's head are the rabbit and the parrot.

162. A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

163. India invented the Number System. Zero was invented by Aryabhatta.

164. The whip makes a cracking sound because its tip moves faster than the speed of sound.

165. A hippopotamus can run faster than a man.

166. India never invaded any country in her last 10000 years of history.

167. 'Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia' is the fear of long words.

168. Didaskaleinophobia is the fear of going to school.

169. A snail can sleep for 3 years.

170. The names of the continents all end with the same letter with which they start.

171. In 1883 the explosion of the volcano Krakatau put so much dust into the earth's atmosphere that sunsets appeared green and the moon appeared blue around the world for almost two years.

172. "Almost" is the longest word in the English language with all the letters in alphabetical order.

173. Twenty-Four-Karat Gold is not pure gold since there is a small amount of copper in it. Absolutely pure gold is so soft that it can be molded with the hands.

174. Electricity doesn't move through a wire but through a field around the wire.

175. Bird droppings are the chief export of Nauru, an island nation in the western Pacific.

176. Blondes have more hair than dark haired people do.

177. Belgium is the only country that has never imposed censorship for adult films.

178. A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue.

179. Bees kill more people a year than sharks do.

180. Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to slow film down so you could see his moves.

181. A hippo can open its mouth wide enough to fit a 4 foot tall child inside.

182. Brazil is the only country to have played in every World Cup soccer tournament.

183. Bulls are colorblind, it is the motion of the cape which angers them.

184. Babe Ruth kept a lettuce leaf under his hat to keep cool during a game.

185. Camels have three eyelids to protect themselves from blowing sand.

186. Cards may not be played in the street with a Native American.

187. Broccoli and cauliflower are the only vegetables that are flowers.

188. Certain frogs can be frozen solid then thawed and continue living.

189. China has more English speakers than the United States.

190. By age sixty, most people have lost half of their taste buds.

191. Cheese is the oldest of all man-made foods.

192. Before 1850, golf balls were made of leather and were stuffed with feathers.

193. Bill Clinton is the only President ever to be elected twice without ever receiving 50% of the popular vote. He had 43 percent in 1992 and 49 percent in 1996.

194. Children grow faster in the springtime.

195. By the time a child finishes elementary school she will have witnessed 8,000 murders and 100,000 acts of violence on television.

196. A healthy human eye can distinguish between 500 shades of gray.

197. Banana plants are the largest plants on earth without a woody stem. They are actually giant herbs of the same family as lilies, orchids and palms.

198. Casanova wore condoms made of linen.

199. A man and woman in Mexico city were engaged for 67 yrs and finally married at the age of 82 yrs.

200. Back in the mid to late 80s, an IBM compatible computer wasn't considered 100% compatible unless it could run Microsoft's Flight Simulator.

201. A Horse has 18 more bones than a Human.

202. Barbers are forbidden by law from shaving a man's chest in Omaha, Nebraska.

203. Both George Washington and Thomas Jefferson grew cannabis sativa (marijuana) on their plantations.

204. A kangaroo can jump up to 3 meters high and leap up to 8 meters.

205. Chickens are the only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

Cough It Up or Loose It

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her.

"Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Damn!" says the little old lady... "I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no" says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up."

Numbers, Averages And Percentages

85% of men don't use the slit in their underwear.

67.5% of men wear briefs.

85% of women wear the wrong bra size.

50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods.

90% believe in divine retribution.

10% believe in the 10 Commandments.

82% believe in an afterlife.

45% believe in ghosts.

29% of us are virgins when we marry.

58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't.

40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.

315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.

On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.

35% give to charity at least once a month.

69% eat the cake before the frosting.

When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.

85% of us will eat Spam this year.

70% of us drink orange juice daily.

Snickers is the most popular candy.

22% of us skip lunch daily.

9% of us skip breakfast daily.

66% of us eat cereal regularly.

22% of all restaurant meals include French fries.

14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.

Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.

45% use mouthwash every day.

29% of us ignore RSVP.

71.6% of us eavesdrop.

Less than 10% are trilingual.

37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.

53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.

56% of women do the bills in a marriage.

2 out of 3 of us wouldn't give up our spouse even for a night for a million bucks.

44% reuse tinfoil.

57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.

53% read their horoscopes regularly.

16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary.

59% of us say we're average-looking.

90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.

28% of us have skinny-dipped. 14% with the opposite sex.

51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.

On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.

20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.

2 out of 5 have married their first love.

Only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand.

1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.

6% propose over the phone.

71% can drive a stick-shift car.

45% of us consistently follow the speed limit.

2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.

1/3 of us don't wear seat belts.

62% of us pop our zits.

33% of women lie about their weight.

10% of us claim to have seen a ghost.

Only 30% of us know our cholesterol level.

14% have attended a self-help meeting.

15% regularly go to a shrink.

78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home.

Idiots At Work - Chronicles Of Workplace Stupidity

A WEIGHTY SUBJECT

A woman called a travel agent and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who?" The agent replied, "No, why do you ask?" The timid sounding woman said, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while the agent regained her composure she explained to the woman that the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage. Makes you wonder if the woman saw the word “terminal” on her luggage if she would have thought she was really sick.

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A REAL TRAVEL ADVENTURE

A rather confused woman called to make reservations; "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York." Needless to say, the agent was rather confused by the request. "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, I’m sure," said the client. "What flights to you have?" The agent got on the computer and tried every airport code in the country but couldn't come up with a city named Hippopotamus. She finally got back on the phone and told the person on the other end that she had had no luck locating a city with that name. "Oh, don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured the map of New York state looking for any city that might vaguely sound or look like Hippopotamus. Finally, and as a last ditch effort; asked the woman, "You don’t, by any chance mean Buffalo, do you?" "Oh, right, that's it. I knew it was a big animal."

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YOUR BRAIN - DON’T LEAVE HOME WITHOUT IT

A woman had just purchased several items she needed from a department store and was handed the credit card receipt to sign. The cashier noticed that the back of the woman’s credit card wasn't signed and told her she couldn't complete the transaction without a signed card. The woman was slightly confused by this request but complied and signed the back of the card immediately after signing the receipt. The cashier took both the receipt and the card, held them up, and compared the signature. Surprisingly they matched.

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THAT'S JUST GOOFY!

The management of Walt Disney World, after two months of negotiation, finally relented and no longer makes the costume character actors share their underwear. Before the final settlement the actors were only allowed to wear Disney provided underwear that were laundered and passed out randomly. The actor complained to management that the underwear was often not clean, smelled bad, had stains and "things have been passed around." Actors will now be allowed to have personal underwear, that Disney will issue, and the employees can take home and launder themselves. Of course this won't affect the character of Donald Duck because, as we know, he doesn’t wear any pants.

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WORKING YOUR WAY UP FROM THE BOTTOM

A "Whistleblower" is someone who discovers and then reports illegal or unscrupulous activity in the workplace. One vigilant British worker, who obviously had some spare time on his hands or intestinal problems, measured several rolls of toilet paper and found they only had 200 sheets as opposed to the 320 sheets stated in the contract with the supplier. His employer, West Somerset District Council, demanded the vendor wipe the slate clean and was awarded $28,100. The employer's compensation for saving the company nearly $30,000? He was given a few days off. So if the company is ever "rolled" you can be sure who did it.

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CRAZY HIRING PRACTICES

Disgruntled postal workers turning violent has become so commonplace even the worst stand-up comedians use it in their act. But the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission created the ultimate "punch" line in hiring practices. An article in the Employee Relations Law Journal explains, "Many individuals who become violent toward customers or coworkers suffer from some form of mental disorder. Yet for an employer to be too careful in screening potentially dangerous persons out of the work force is to invite liability for discrimination under the ADA (Americans With Disabilities Act), while to be not careful enough is to invite tragedy and horrendous liability for negligent hire or negligent retention." Damned if you do - damned if you don't - and damned if it isn't just going to get worse.

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JUST LET ME ASK YOU A FEW QUESTIONS FIRST

Businesses are only as good as the people they hire. We've all come across people in stores, on the phone or in offices and wondered to ourselves "How did they get hired?" Well, sometimes there's not a lot out there to choose from. A questionnaire was sent out to Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations asking them to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees. Here are some of their responses:

* A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.

* Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.

* Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and French fries in the interviewers office.

* Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.

* Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions.

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RESUME OR RESUME NOT

In keeping with the "How did they get hired" question posed earlier, Fortune Magazine (July 21, 1997) put out an article which listed items from real resumes and cover letters. Here are some highlights:

* "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms. "

* "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."

* "It's best for employers that I not work with people."

* "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."

* "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse. "

* "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage. "

* "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers. "

* "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."

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LET'S SEE WHAT DEVELOPS

A female employee of Eastman Kodak is suing the company under the Americans With Disabilities Act. The woman claims she suffers from "seasonal affective disorder," a form of depression, and wants Kodak to provide more light where she works - in a photographic darkroom.

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QUESTIONS, QUESTIONS, QUESTIONS

We've all heard the expression "there's no such thing as a stupid question" right? Well, see for yourself. Here are some of the answers from a questionnaire sent out to a number of employers asking, "What's the strangest question they've been asked during an interview? "

Among the responses were:

* "What is it that you people do at this company?"

* "Why aren't you in a more interesting business?"

* "Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?"

* "Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?"

10 Rules For Dating My Daughter

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact,
come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilising a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Tarantino meets Super Mario Bros.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hoR-r7Gt ... =3&t=t&f=b

und real Transformers:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=STQ3nhXu ... =3&t=t&f=b

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